What I Sent To You.

Oookay.

Better kau padam messages aku yang useless kat dalam phone kau 'cause a whole lot more is gonna fill up your entire phone memory.

FYI, aku ahli kelab sukarelawan so aku kena tolong jadi macam penyambut tetamu and kena angkat barang2 yang berat macam anak gajah (seriously) masa juniors masuk semalam, yang kau tanya 'kau terlibat ke' macam aku ni useless sangat. (Terasa wehh) And then kena layan kerenah mak bapak dorg yang macam cacat sangat tak faham bahasa tu. Mata pulak merah gilaa sebab contact lenses dah expired, tak nampak and sakit sangat sampai tak boleh join latihan sofbol padahal perlawanan bulan depan je. Tadi and esok kena buat persembahan dua hari berturut2 walaupun tak sampai seminggu pun ditubuhkan team tu. Latihn macam nak keluarkan anak tekak ktorg. Tekak and hidung aku sakit sebab koir and menangis sebab kau malam semalam. Yes, i did cry while we were on the phone and you didn't even notice. And yes, mata aku merah and slightly bengkak sebab menangis jugak. Warden and felo siap mintak aku tolong handle kes budak2 juniors nak tukar bilik,

kena tunggu budak2 tu balik from outing lagi sampai aku kena prep petang kat dalam bilik sorang2. Lepas tu bila dah balik felo pulak buat hal. 4-5 kali aku datang rumah dia, call dia, semua hampeh. Malam2 buta ada latihan koir lagi. Sepanjang hari + malam berkejar2 dalam panas. Dah lah siang2 kena berdiri bawah matahari mengalahkan tiang bendera. Dengan kes junior hilang luggages lagi, juniors kurang ajar lagi. Tapi aku still senyum sepanjang buat semua tu, ikhlaskan diri. Dengan assignment berlambak, cikgu and budak2 tu macam mintak penampar, kau pulak ignore aku like it's a joke. Tak call, tak text. Takde pape pun. Bila respond text aku, macam takde pape berlaku pun. And bila kau call, kau tak tau macam mana happy aku dengar suara kau, dapat rasa ada orang yang sudi teman aku, buat aku happy. Tapi lepas tu kau kata kau mintak maaf, taknak contact selalu sangat sebab kau baru masuk, okay fine aku faham,

but that made me feel like i'm the bad person for disturbing you. Macam aku ni berdosa sangat bila kacau YB yang busy sangat nak jaga reputasi macam kau. Jadual aku takde waktu rehat pun aku cuba contact kau. Tapi kau? To feel like you don't even care, kau tau tak sakit tu macam mana? (Aku tak rasa kau tau) Ye, aku tau, aku banyak merungut sekarang ni, aku banyak marah2 and kurang ajar sekarang, kau nak marah aku balik pun marahlah, kau nak buat apa pun buat ah, tapi kau tau tak kenapa aku macam ni? Tanya pun macam nak taknak. Lepas penat2 and all those moments yang macam haram tu, aku ingat kau ada. Tapi.. Hm. Aku ni manusia wehh. Aku cuba tahan macam mana pun, kalau dah menggunung nak buat apa lagi? Jujur cakap aku tak boleh rasa lonely. Aku jalan sorang2 macam mana pun, kalau ada orang yang ada untuk  aku macam kau DULU, aku still okay. (Aku rindu dulu) Aku takut iman aku makin low, aku pergi kat orang lain. Aku baru belajar setia wehh.

Baru a few years of percubaan setia yang selalu gagal. Aku taknak benda yang sama jadi between kita. Even kalau ada orang ke-3, aku taknak aku yang bawak dia masuk. Kalau kau nak, up to you lah. (Janganlah-.-) I know, I sound more like a girlfriend  now. (Which I am not) I'm sorry, aku tak layak buat macam ni kat kau. Aku just nak kau tau semua ni, apa yang aku rasa. It looks like apa yang aku bagitau sebelum ni tak ada kesan pun, so aku tak mengharap sekarang semua ni ada kesan at all. Look, now I sound like a teacher. (Cikgu aku selau cakap apa yang dia lecture kat ktorang tak lekat) I better stop. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'll just send all these messages to show my super stupidity to you. Bye.

Jyeahhh, sent it.

The purple ones.

Lepas tu dapat apa?

Betulah aku tak mengharap sangat pun.

Okay then,

the next day kita baik.

Dah mula joke around balik.

But there are some stuffs that you said kinda hurt me.

Actually, it really did hurt me.

"Bila ada salah faham nanti nangis lagi senget aku ni"

Burn.

"...nanti dapat lagi mesej panjang2"

Burn.

Kau nak blow aku lagi berapa juta kali babe?

Okay first of all,

I did not cry because of a freaking stupid misunderstanding,

I cried because I was hurt.

And I still am.

Second of all,

aku hantar mesej panjang2 tu nak luahkan apa aku rasa,

nak cerita apa aku lalui,

nak share dengan kau,

nak kau faham,

tapi kau cakap macam tu?

Eff lah eff.

Seriously.

Hargailah sikit kot.

And the most important of all,

there was not a single fucking misunderstanding!

It wasn't a misunderstanding,

you just don't understand, do you?

Erghh.

Yes,

we're fine now,

but I'm just writing this for the sake of letting out what I feel.

I don't wanna tell you anymore 'cause (I'm sorry to say this but...) it's not worth telling you.

Yes,

we're good now,

and I don't wanna waste that.

I don't wanna waste us.

So I hope that we'll get through this and everything else.

*(Amin)*

Love you Sayangggg :*

#my first time using BM here this year
#this thing happened on 22 January 2013,

NOT TODAY

#on the phone with you now

#Gedik buat aku jealous >.<"

Kbye,

xoxo, Al ❤

H E A R T B R E A K .

Heartbreak.

Yes,

that's my title for today.

No,
It's not him.
It's not Hanafi.
It's...
The people that I used to know.

My Ex.
Well maybe not just one.
There's a whole bunch of them.

Think what you want,
but
I DO NOT TRY OUT EVERY GUY I MEET.
Is that clear?
Yes?
Thank you.

Back to the topic,
you do know how they can hurt you just by the sound of their names, right?
Yeah so imagine you have a lot of ex-boyfriends
walking around the same buildings that you're in
and you have to walk pass them
everyday
for two years.

In my case here,
they're not ex-boyfriends.
They're the people that I liked like.
You can say crushes.
We know we like each other.
And some of them even...
How do I say this.
You know that situation where you are NOT dating each other but you guys act like you are?
Yeah, that.

The problem comes when you "broke up"
As usual,
you're gonna be like,

"We're still gonna be friends" 

Then, you become strangers.
Ouch.

And that's where the song Somebody That I Used To Know fits in.

It's bad enough to have my ex-boyfriends lingering around on my timeline,
to have problem with my darling at times,
and now this?
And you have to act like you don't know each other at all?
It hurts man.
Especially when you have an assignment that you have to do with them.
Worse, if there's more than one of them in that group.
Most of you must know how it is.
You guys must understand me, right?

I don't know,
Just sitting near him breaks my heart.
Hurts my pride.
He's like..
I'm like..
We're like..
Y'know,
I had like THE biggest crush on him.
And suddenly he got mad at me for something he wouldn't tell me.
I just don't understand.
What did I do wrong?

If you noticed,
I've been using 'he' and 'him'
Yes, I am talking about one specific person now.

Maybe I did something to hurt him.
Maybe I was wrong.
But why wouldn't he tell me where I went wrong?

For some of you who knows who he is,
you can judge.
Judge as you may.
You can say he's not handsome,
he's not rich,
he's not that much of a genius,
bla bla bla.
Whatever.
Say anything you want.
But don't ever,
and I mean ever,
judge whether or not I should love him.
I'll kill you for that.
Or better yet,
I'll kill the one you love.
I mean it.

Nahh, I wouldn't kill.
I wouldn't even dare to kill.
But I can guarantee you'll be hurt
...somehow.

To my dear Hanafi,
don't worry,
I'm not cheating you.
You'd still be the one to choose.
Kbye.

xoxo, Al ♥

MY BLOG MY DIARY MY LIFE

LIFE'S HARD

SCHOOL'S SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS

LOVE HURTS

FAMILY'S A MESS

SO-CALLED FRIENDS CANT BE TRUSTED

BOYS ARE BULLSHIT

PHONES STOPPED RINGING

FUCK THIS SHIT

LIVING SUCKS

Al.

Last Friday Night

Last Friday morning, January 11th 2013, a big number of us went to the DECTAR aka Tun Abdul Razak Chancellor Hall to attend the Royal Convocation : The Conferment of the Honorary Doctorate of Laws by the University of Glamorgan, Wales, United Kingdom, upon
D.Y.M.M Yang di-Pertuan Besar Negeri Sembilan Darul Khusus,
Tuanku Mukhriz Ibni Almarhum Tuanku Munawir
who is also the Chancellor of Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM).
I know, I know, too much facts, and a very long name.

Here, this guy in the picture below, (I'm sorry, am I allowed to call him that? I don't know)

This person would be better I think. This person here, is the chancellor of our university
(and he is also a royal).
He came to our university last Friday.

Tuanku Mukhriz Ibni Almarhum Tuanku Munawir

Please understand,

I respect him.

I really do.

But if you expect me to attend an event which requires me to sit and listen,

FOR HOURS,

it just wont do.

I know, I volunteered, but yeah,

you understand, right?

Plus,

I slept late the night before.

So you must can imagine how I was when they gave their speeches.

Hehe.

BUT,

it was a relief that the two teachers patronizing us were sitting very near.

And by very near, I mean just next to me.

So, because of that, I managed to stay awake until the very end.

YEAY ME!!! XD

Lunch was great, and haha my schoolmate Rach was cute.

Kawaiiii~XD

BUT THAT EVENING WAS BAD.

Well, FYI,

my relationship with Hanafi wasn't very good.

and that evening,

hurting sooo much,

I sent him these,

text by text:

Are you that busy?

Like, really REALLY busy?

Or are you doing this just to get me angry?

Or is it because "Nahh, Al is not important, there's something/someone that's sooo much more important than her" thing?

Or are you annoyed with me?

Or am I boring?

I know this kind of attitude from me might be a bit too much for you to handle

But I tried tolerating.

I tried to be understanding

And I even tried to hold everything that I feel inside so that we wont fight,

So that I wont hurt you.

Just like how you did to me.

You know that feeling when you feel so much care for someone but it's not the same for him/her?

Yeah that's what I'm feeling right now.

Oh, and I'm also feeling so disappointed

So stupid

So sad

So worried

So weak

So confused

I sound pathetic right?

I'm sorry

And I'm also sorry for wasting your time reading this.

If you did.

Well, okay then. Bye :)

#read it from the start okay.

Still.

No replies.

No calls.

No tweets.

No nothing.

It hurts.

What should I do?

I don't know.

My brain tells me to wait.

My heart tells me to scream.

Which should I follow?

I personally think that both my heart and brain are fools.

Complete idiots.

I should stab them.

They're the ones who lead me into this trouble.

YAAAAAA!!!!!

Stupid!

Stop blaming those two!

Huhh,

chill Al,

breathe in,

breathe out.

In,

Out.

Relax.
Everything happens for a reason.
Right?
Well, duhh, of course!

Baby, I love you.
So much.
But if you keep on testing our relationship like this, I might break down.
I'm not as strong as I look.
Please, help me, and I'll help you.
I'll be more considerate before I even open my mouth.
You'd like that, won't you?
I wish we'll fix this real fast, okay babe?
I love you.
*wipe tears*
*smile*

I know you're reading this,
so,
Wish us luck okay, readers & stalkers?
:')

xoxo, Al ♥

Why did I start anew in this blog?

Why? Well some people asked. I know you may not be interested in it, I didn't even start it to gain followers. It's okay if I don't get any followers at all. As long as I can write anything I want. Don't try to stop me. Believe me, it won't work. I tried. I really tried. But I'm not the kind of person to go and tell everybody my problems or my joy. At least not directly. Even if my whole class or even my whole school reads this, it's from my hands, from my fingers. Not my mouth. There's a diff.

A huge lot of differences.

I started anew here cause I wanna start anew with my life. It may sound impossible, but I believe that nothing's impossible in life. I know I did a whole lot of bad things in the past. But that doesn't mean that I didn't regret it. For the record, regret here doesn't necessarily means that I resent it. I treasure it a lot, but what's wrong is wrong. I'll just keep them as great memories and lessons for my future. If my schoolmates read this, the might not believe it. Maybe they'll think that this is just something I'm doing to revive this blog.

Whatever. I don't care what they think. Never did, never will.

#Oh, btw, I heard Oath by Cher Lloyd. And all that I can think about when I listen to that song are my friends in my old school and also Izzy and Danni. 

If only they knew how much I love them.

I don't think I've reached the main point of this post, but I'll let it pass, sorry guys XD

xoxo, Al ♥

Can't wait to see how many times I'll fuck things up this year.

So, yeah, I don't think I can be nice till February even. I just wan't to be me. And more me and less anybody else. Fuck what people say, I don't wanna care. I'll care when the time comes. So STFU.

The classes are going fine so far. I didn't break a big rule or make a case in college or something...yet.

Let's just hope I'll last this Senior Year. Who knew being seventeen could be this hard? Oh yeah, I did. Most of us did. The drama's and stuff. I enjoyed popularity and ignorance. And I also have suffered the popularity and ignorance. I did enjoy the homework and assignments, sometimes. Weird? I know. That's so not like me. 

Well, let's go on to the "friends".

The old friends I had. The ones who were super duper nice to me.

Aand the same friends who stabbed me behind my back and ruthlessly in front of me.

...

No no no no.

Al, stop it with the old stuff.

Just let bygones be bygones. <--- I really need to follow this shit.

Noww,

this is for the people who commented on my looks.

Y'know, the teachers.

They said I'm being wayyyy too fashionable just to go to school. Well DUHH, we don't have uniforms remember? Grr. I don't care if you say anything bad about me, but just keep this in your rusted little brains:

If you're gonna insult me, at least be creative and put it in a First Class manner.

xoxo, Al ♥ 

Big Year

NICE ONE.

Just nice.

Very nice.

It's 2013 and I'm still not equipped with all the 2012 subjects. I'm dead. Dead I tell ya. The big exam is just around the corner and here I am right before the computer, posting in my blog. Gahh. This is tiring. 

xoxo, Al ♥