Just Don't Care Anymore

I feel like dying.

Like,

either I kill myself

or I kill everyone else.

I need help.

xoxo,

Al </3

Please stop being so hot

To you,

the people who asked me who my crush is,

this is how he looks like:

No, it's not really Harry Styles.

He just looks a bit like him.

Especially when he laughs.

*melting*

xoxo,

Al ♥

Why?

So.

This question has been bugging people for months.

Why did you stop dancing?

*sigh*

Humans.

It's our nature to be curious right? : )

So yeah,

lemme tell you.

I know, I know,

Finally.

>.< 

Okay.

Some of you may know,

I was a dancer since I was a kid.

Started out with some hip hop thingy I learnt from my elder brother,

To zapin when I was 11 or 12.

Then I stayed quiet ever since I got into secondary school.

That, I can assure you, is for no reason.

I just kinda stopped because I wasn't in the mood for anything.

I didn't even do sports during those first three years in SUKSES.

Then,

in my last year in SUKSES.

the 3 weeks camp in UKM during the school holidays,

I started again.

We danced for the TalenTime performance.

I was one of the leads in our course.

It felt like...

I felt..

alive.

At last.

After all those years.

When I left SUKSES and came to this new school,

I began to feel that laziness again.

But I still did dance.

It was for the visit of The First Lady of Czech Republic

and I danced a traditional dance

with four other people.

And then I stopped.

Now this is the real answer.

I didn't stop because I hated dancing.

I didn't stop because anyone told me to.

I didn't stop because of my low self esteem.

I didn't stop because of anyone.

I stopped because of myself.

I knew where my passion leads to in dancing.

It's not those traditional dances I do at school.

No.

I like love modern dance.

And most of the time,

when I do freestyles,

my body makes these sexy moves I cant explain myself.

It feels so right.

but at the same time

so wrong.

I liked my freestyle moves,

as much as I love dancing as a whole,

but moving like that,

with males looking at you,

I know it's wrong.

Though I know I'm dancing for my passion,

Sometimes I still think to myself,

Why am I making myself a display to those men?

I'm not one of those very pious women,

nor am I too far strayed,

but I still realize that

I shouldn't let men sin,

for looking at me like that.

And having myself sin double the times they do

for doing that.

So that's why I stopped.

Well in front of guys, I did.

But today,

I caught myself doing it again.

I know I love it.

But....

*sigh*

I don't know.

Ya Allah,

help me.

xoxo,

Al ♥

Me ranting on twitter.

I'm sorry for the sudden change of mood in my tweets.

Just thought of sharing.

A story I've never told anyone.

Read from bottom.

To be honest,

it's a true story.

MY story.

Yeah most of you didn't know me during my suicidal years.

So, yeah.

I don't wanna detail what happened.

Just understand those tweets.

Read, and understand.

If any of you who have been in any situation

regarding suicides.

Or even thinking of any,

just come to me.

I'll help however I may.

Remember,

don't swallow those harsh words in,

those bad things people say about your cuts and stuff.

Ignore them

It will just bring you down

Lower than where you are now

Only the ones who felt it

been through it

got out of it

understands you.

The others?

they might understand

But they don't know the feeling.

So choose the right people to listen to.

xoxo,

Al ♥

SPM and counting

Assalamualaikum.

Hi again :)

Sooooo

tomorrow's the big start.

Stepping into the new world is

apparently

very scary.

I'm scared I'll get lost.

And what if I never return?

I'm afraid.

After SPM

After the big exam

THE final exam in my life as a high school kid

I'll be thrown into another world

The world with adults

Where

We have to make decisions

Take responsibility

Be mature

And

Frankly

I don't think I'm ready for all that.

I mean,

it's not like we haven't already faced that by now

But

It's different

Issues get bigger

Voices get louder

Obligations?

Well they just get.......

Idk how to put this in words

Gigantic.

I guess.

Well
Let's just focus on what's in front of us first.
THE
one and only
Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia
S.P.M.

After that?
Still counting.

But let's not burden ourselves with what's yet to come.

I'll update more about life
after school's over.
When....
Goodbyes are said.

I don't wanna leave any of you guys!
*sigh*

In a few weeks,
it's gonna be the

I thought I'd be like

adios, bitchachos

But no.

I'm sad.

Almost as sad as ever that

I couldn't even get my tears out.

Goodbye.

xoxo,
Al ♥